The 12 Days Of Christmas

The 12 Days of Christmas

Ok sports fans, time to indulge your 67th favourite blog writer in a Christmas themed exercise in one part sage advice, one part egotistical virtue signalling and one part immature jokes.

Now, unlike the song, I won’t repeat each previous line throughout the blog. While I am a self indulgent wanker I’m not a torturer.

So, in this edition of the 12 days of Christmas we will move to an alternative universe, one in which, merely by writing some lines on a page Dave gets everything he wants.

According to the constraints of the song, these things Dave wants are brought to him by his wife. If there was any doubt we are in an alternative universe, in our current version of the universe and upon making such requests, rest assured my wife would tell me to do it my fucking self and that no one will read a stupid blog about things you want for Christmas, you wanker.

Now, of course, if I was any kind of human I would want an end to war, poverty, cruelty, oppression, discrimination and ensure an equalisation of health, education and resources, as well as the saving of the planet by reversing impending climate disaster.

My true love would bring me the ability to heal the world.

But I’m not.

And when you think about it, giving me the power to change things on such a scale would be rather unwise. For sure, it would start off ok, my lefty upbringing and my mother’s voice in my head telling me to do the right thing. But then the questions would start - what is right? Who determines right? What about that fucker in primary school that called me a nerd? Surely I can vaporise him and that would be ok?

And then 8 and a bit billion people - how do I get it right for all of them? I can’t even remember where my keys are, how the fuck am I going to bring them peace and prosperity?

So, conditional on avoiding the philosophical speedbumps that come with contemplating what I would do with absolute power, my 12 days of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, my …. Man, I have to write this each time? Fuck that. You know the words.

Day 1 - one clone of me

Another me, hopefully one who is a bit better and the boring bits of what I do, and the unshakeable ability to constantly do them. So I don’t have to. Maybe not a clone, maybe a robot. The clone would probably kill me and assume my life….

Day 2 - 2 brand new options to work with Dave in 2025!! What, it’s my fucking blog and i’ll fill it with as many shameless plugs as I want.

• Face to face course!! Coming to Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane, plus, fingers crossed, my international debut
• The Growth Chamber - monthly live PD with access to almost endless resources, papers, videos and ways to accelerate your learning

Day 3 - 3 books.
I would go through more than a book a month on audible, but it doesn’t beat reading the real thing. Tricky thing though this reading, as you need time. For the last 3 years I’ve read one book each year, but that has to go up. I actually don’t need another book, as I have plenty I haven’t read yet, but you always need to own more books you haven’t read.

I have no time for fiction these days, there are too many things to try and look into that make believe can’t be more interesting. And much like with music, once you start reading you tend to keep going back to what influenced the recent author and keep going back. The more I have read about various aspects of human interaction with the universe, the more success I have had and the more confident I feel in my ability to navigate various hurdles. Ironically, it’s not knowing more that does this. You can read total shite that is completely wrong and be confident af. Reading what I would consider to be the “right” things actually gives you a healthy dose of reality around the limits of your knowledge, thereby avoiding lethal fuckups and providing the ability to spot bullshitters with their heads up their asses.

Day 4 - 4 opportunities to magically change things outside of my control for patients.
Working with people that have pain for a long time, you see plenty of shit things. Many of these things the person has some control over, and working through a rehab plan is how you reach a solution. Removing hard things isn’t what I’m talking about. I like getting people to do hard things. There are, however, some instances where people truly are against huge odds, completely outside of their control, and without the ability to click your fingers and change them instantly, seeing a way out is hard. Not all the time like some DemiGod, just a few times, removing these instantly would be pretty cool. 

Day 5 - 5 round the world flights (First class while we’re there. We’re in another universe remember, I’m not paying for the fuckers).

My eldest son turned 12 this year, so he's on adult flights these days. We have always loved to travel, but carting 3 kids around, one of which now cops full rack, is quite an expensive adventure!!

Day 6 - A 6 pack, of course.
This writing caper makes me thirsty…

Day 7 - Tickets to 7 gigs for 2025.
The great thing about being as old as me is that all the bands I grew up with are either still touring, or now touring again after waking up and realising they put all their money up their nose 20 years ago. So while the band and the crowd is greyer and a bit less radical than before, they’re still young enough to be showing up bands half their age. I don’t buy into the generational differences thing too much, except when it comes to music. Young bands and their young fans are shit and I don’t care who knows it.

There are a handful of artists/bands that emerged after the 2000s that can cut it. And all the old blokes in black T shirts going to the back entrance of your club to stand next to each other, sweaty and covered in beer to watch a bunch of almost-retirees shred still, can still go harder than you fancy young people.

Day 8 - Here I’m continuing the number theme but I’m going to cheat, tip the 8 on its side and create the infinity symbol. An infinite ability to mute bullshit and misinformation from media sources. Not remove debate and conjecture, and not deny someone the right to speak whatever bollocks shoots from their mouths. Just the ability to mute it so no one can hear them. Scream into the wind, man, go for it. No one can hear you. Just by decreasing the volume of bogus shite circulating in the ears of the people of the world I feel I’d be on track for some sort of Nobel….

Day 9 - 9 new albums of old bands (see day 7).
When you hit 40 you have to devote more time to some ridiculous hobby, or have an affair and buy a sports car. Be it smoking meat, wearing lycra and riding a bike or driving Shalene around in a Lamborghini, there is a common enough theme here with men of my vintage.

For me it’s vinyl records. Now I've always loved vinyl, so it’s not a full blown midlife crisis, but it is ridiculous. The equipment is expensive, it takes time to look after, it’s harder to find, it gets worse with time, you need to store it. And collect it. And covet it. It’s awesome. 9 records is enough to listen to to each one to death, devour the liner notes, play the air drums to each song, while still keeping your family from throwing your shit into the street. Although there’s always the Lambo….

Day 10 - 10 podcast guests!!
For the world’s greatest podcast featuring me - Grey Matters with Dave and Steve Collins (man i’m getting bad at this now - shameless self promotion. See what I mean about not giving me too much power? I would make the podcast mandatory listening and send detractors to Siberia). We finished 2024 with our first guests and are keen to have another 10 ready to rock your socks off in 2025.

Day 11 - 11 month structured, paid internships for allied health graduates in the area of their choice.
More like medical training. I feel in my areas - pain, MSK private practice and sports teams, you learn so much on the job that you really aren’t anywhere near ready when you graduate. It’s just not possible in the current structure. An intern year would allow huge development, with real patients. In whichever area the position is, the company or organisation could structure a senior therapist to be the mentor and build a real curriculum into the first year. You would still have ass-hats teaching new grads how to be ass-hats, but you will always have that. I feel with this pathway-type model we would generate better clinicians and raise the average efficacy of primary health care

Day 12 - finally, dear readers, 12 cold beers. She is, after all, my true love. And it’s Christmas. And the first 6 were gone long ago. 

So no spaceship, no endless kegs, no private jet or pacific island. But obvious bollocks right? Rather than dream of this shit my actual plan, and my advice to you, is to work out what it is you want, particularly when what you want can serve or help lots of people, and go out and fucking get it. 

But not before I watch more football, eat more seafood and drink more gin than you would expect one person to be able to consume.

So Merry Christmas, you filthy animals.